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Creative Writing

A Spark of Encouragement

It’s been a difficult few weeks and I find myself getting more and more discouraged so this letter is to me from me with love, affection, power, and strength.

Dear Nina,

Hey girl! I see you struggling and I know you’re starting to doubt yourself again.  I see you starting to not believe in how much you worked and how much you sacrificed to be in the place you’re in now.  I see that you’re starting to feel like you aren’t good enough and that you wasted your time in the classroom.  I see that you feel invisible and unattractive.  I see that you feel trapped, unskilled, and untalented. I see that you feel ashamed that you struggle mentally and you often wonder how it would feel to be “normal” and unafraid of  the strains of every day.   I see that it takes so much work just to be happy that a new day has come because you feel like you should be successful with opportunity, strength, and power.  

But I also see that you gained more strength I’ve ever seen you have before.  That you try your hardest and prove to yourself every day that it’s possible to, despite the struggle, regain consciousness of the reality of hope and positivity.  And even though things have been difficult, you still seem to always persevere, you seem to always push through.  Every obstacle that has come in your way since you were young has never devoured you.  When you were grappling with your mental health in high school and college, you always made it past the panic and the tears.  You always showed up and showed out even when you didn’t want to. When you didn’t have motivation, when you didn’t want to go to the counseling center or psych services you did.  When they took away your financial aid and you almost didn’t go to college things turned around.  When you were called weak and told you were unable to reach the standards of your major in high school, you showed that you were, you were tossed from one choir to another, but you still showed that you were good enough.  When you were on conditional in a program you wanted to be in so bad, you made that conditional a permanent. And all the times you were outcasted and alone, when you were by yourself you always sparkled with power, self-control, and self-respect.  This is not even half of the things you struggle with, but its shows a lot about how much you’ve overcome. 

You are beautiful, worthy, and strong.  Only strength can endure all that you have gone through and still have the courage to want to tell other people that they can do anything despite the world telling them that they can’t because of their gender, beliefs, sexuality, or any other identity marker that makes them who they are.  You are okay and you will continue to be okay.  Just take deep breaths and raise your head.  Your life is not for no reason.  You have a reason to keep trying to do your best.     

From the one that loves you the most, 

Yourself 

So, even though it may seem blurry right now and you don’t want to be positive, try to be kind to yourself.  Always be kind to yourself.  Turn the negative self-talk phrases into encouraging ones.  Make your perception light, even if your circumstance is dark and smudged.  Even when you have all the reasons to be hopeless, let hope blossom instead.

Bulletin Board March 2017: Purpose

Purpose

Who you are combined with your identity, how you see yourself, and your point of view is whats going to reveal your purpose.  Your purpose will not appear to you out of nowhere, it’s going to accumulate and build up based on your life experiences, your struggles, your flaws, your strengths, and the battles you have won.  Your purpose is yours and only yours because only you have perceptions based on the life you live.  You are the most important part of the equation and you are unique to your own purpose. Labor on yourself and keep moving even when you don’t want to.  While you work on yourself, you are also working on your purpose.  Your glory story is revealed in the process of self-realizing your purpose.

Keep laboring on your struggles and triumph.  Keep trying even when you’re tired.  Keep working even when your hands get callused.  Keep standing even when you get pushed to the ground.

All of this is what your glory story will be.  Your glory story makes you a hero.  You save yourself everyday and while you save yourself, you save the lives of the on looker and the people you encounter all the time.

Write your glory story, labor on your purpose.

Drown

Submerged and fall

Into the dark space where you are alone with yourself

Sink

Drown in the depth of yourself and stay there

Die to normality and resurrect into individuality

Let yourself be enveloped in the seas of your creative mind

Create what only your mind can sprout

Mold and plant

Let the seas around you overwhelm your creative

Make something

Fall deep in the darkest place in the bottom of the sea

Let yourself hit the sea floor

Let your body and mind save you

Swim up to the shore

Walk

From the bottom of the sea you are born once again

But something in you has died

The chains

The ones that held your creative captive

You left them at the bottom of the sea

Thats the part of you that stayed submerged

Now

You drowned, but you still breathe

You breathe by yourself


The image has been created

Fall

Submerge

Drown

Die to normality and resurrect into individuality

Self-Realization

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I was scared of my deepened sadness and pessimism

I was scared when I started to panic

I was scared when my shadow was resurrecting itself from the depths of my regression

The ways I wanted to perfect myself in the mirror or I would hate how I looked

The ways I didn’t believe anymore

The way I felt what everyone else was feeling

The anger I felt when they said I couldn’t

The tendencies

The habits

I locked myself in my room

I closed my door

I stood by myself

Myself was coming out

I wanted to lock her back in my psyche

I realized that who she is who I am

I wanted to swallow her in myself

Again

It’s better not to cope in that way…

Cope with regression

Instead of coping with progression

I learned that she is me

The me who was a step ahead of who I was

I read the note she wrote me when she came out

I am dangerous

I am who you are

The girl who is unafraid

Unafraid of the unknown ahead

Because you don’t know who I am

But I know who you are

And it’s time for that girl to wake up a woman

A woman who is unapologetically in control of herself

And nothing will make her afraid of every part of herself that she once hid away from reality

She is you and you can’t hide her anymore

I am here and I am you

Digest the words…

Control

Power

Peace

Perseverance

and beginning

This is a beginning

Bulletin Board February 2017: Perseverance and Confidence

Perseverance and Confidenceimg_20170205_002423_945.jpg img_20170212_235841_084.jpg img_20170219_110032_320.jpg img_20170227_231515_192.jpg

February has been a month of inner confidence and perseverance despite self-discouragement, but also a month of continued change and progress.  Perseverance is the one thing that will show your strength in troubled situations and continuous turmoil.  The more you push through and work even when you’re tired and dreary, the more you convince yourself that what you’re doing is worth it, then you will always persevere through it.  Your power is limitless once you continue overcoming everything that’s placed in your way. Normality might get in your way, negativity might get in your way, self-doubt, self-hate, lack of finances, lack of motivation all might get in your way, but overcoming those obstacles will build someone not phased by downfalls, but someone who stands and faces any challenge.

Scratch the Concrete with Keys 

Your crown is at the bottom of the abyss of broken beauty. Aquire your beauty and follow the scratches made from keys.

A Personal Confession

These words came with tears so I hope you can sympathize.  This is depth therapy:

Lately I’ve really been hating my body but through the lens of my mind coming out my eyes.  A portal of perspective.  Hear me out.

This is not one of those “pick your head up because things will get better” but a “this is a real life struggle kid so learn from it” pieces so look at this…

Just one picture can twist the notion of a once fooled concept of self-acceptance because you thought you began to love “the skin your in” but the reality of it is…

the concept is once you begin it can never regress but my regression looks so good it resembled progression like walking backwards I wanted to say “I love you” but instead I said…

I thought I got over the feeling that my thighs are not the size of the American dream or the white picket fence or the its not what it seems, but its the rugged and thick concept of oppression and prejudice, the judgemental reality that not all words are the truth or not all smiles signify happiness but covering up the reality because the sacred is watching you, you want to see the day where the light is so bright that all this will soon fade away into an oblivious sense of brainwashing…

I thought I would wake up and it would be one of those dreams where you were running from a symbol of your subconscious fears but its not because the tears were real and so were those people

The ones that said that they want you and would stay, but that was just you talking to yourself because you have to really learn to mean what you say in your head like I will start that today and I will end that tomorrow but you don’t…

Instead you give excuses and let your self-talk ruin your self-image constantly digging the hole you call home 

But this ends today

The body that was once in ruins under the ashes like pompeii will rise and become the volcano that took you from existence.  You are no longer going extinct or becoming a personal museum for onlookers to talk or to taste but you will climb from your ashes into an unknown place.

You will not be scared to be strange or to not fit in because you are the one who is meant to change the existing archetypal skin, the status quo, and the origins.

Today marks a holiday where you declared your independance and come back from war, where you remembered what was and proclaim that your dead exterior will fall and let your new interior reveal itself.

You are not what you were yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than right now. So if you hate your body now, start the process to make that perception change tomorrow.

If you were looking for your purpose in life stop looking because its to be who you are to the people you encounter.  There’s no other purpose but to continuously labor on yourself even if that means sleepless night and uncomfortable situations.  

Life is not meant to work for others, but to work on yourself in the pursuit to become something that will shatter negativity, punch fear in the face and to help others in that same process.

You have work to do so I suggest you take one day at a time to appreciate all that you are because no one will be ready for the power that will be you in the future.

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Crazy

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Sometimes she liked the sound glass made when it hit the ground
There’s something about shattered glass that made her crazy seem less chaotic
Her crazy made darkness into indigo and blood blossom into dripping roses
Her crazy dead in the silence of the morning moisture, laying wide eyes under the red white and orange horizon, flat on her back a new cycle of 24, her crazy
Her crazy stiff like paralysis untouchable, unlike the craziness around her,
unique
numbness
How crazy was she that she dreamt and the ideas in her head jumbled into a mush of oblivion beauty, how the meadows were such a fresh green scent, a bed of flowers rushing out of her veins and out of into the concrete, making cities back into forests
The nature in the natural
Crazy
How she saw death caress the goosebumps of the morning fears but life coming to rescue and recreating, the crazy came again, and lately confusion is normality
The thing about crazy is its many masks of reality, like Plato in the cave, our ignorance so bliss we can cut it with a knife, staring at our own illusions and unable to see
The light
The gray in the black and white
She was crazy
She didn’t believe anymore, the ink in the lies, feeding her the spoon of perceived truth, but was it really truth?
She spat out depression and threw up anxiety because deception caused the stigma that she was crazy
Mental illness was what they said caused her hesitancy because her ignorance before walked her down the aisle of matrimony, but reality divorced her, nothing is definite and she can’t trust
Now she is just crazy
The color in the black and white
The unanswerable questions
The abyss of uncertainty
Sometimes she liked the sound glass made when it hit the ground
There’s something about shattered glass that made her crazy seem less chaotic

Be Extreme 

Maybe its because I’m obsessed with extremes that I’m able to believe in maximum potential even when other people don’t. 

Even when it appears undoable, just the thought and possibility in something great is the backbone to change and innovation.

Unless we think outside the box or normality nothing new will come out of an idea.

Be revolutionary, be an outcast. 

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