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SparklyWarTanks

A Space for Empowerment and Creativity

Month

November 2016

Excerpt From my “Blood Honesty” Portion of SWT Writing Therapy

 

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So I’m in the process of adding a new portion of SWT writing called “Blood Honesty.” This will be a collection of therapy writing, creative writing pieces and reflections that helps me recall memories that has come up over and over. I relate how these memories have boiled into hurt and how I operate with people. This writing will be in my next book project “Writing to Heal: Power of Written Word.”

This is an excerpt from a Blood Honesty post that I wrote on November 27th:

The concept of love is so underrated, mixed and confused with all emotions felt by people. But love, real love, unconditional love felt by someone that doesn’t have to love you is deep, its true, and its the most genuine of human emotion and character.  When real love happens, when you see it unravel in the ways that it works wholeheartedly is profound, complicated, confusing, and impossibly possible (now you know why people cling to the trope and figure of Jesus Christ). It’s this idea that makes people want to live longer.  It’s this concept of love despite the fear of disappointment and inevitable death that keeps and makes peace and inclusivity possible.  The absence of love causes mental health issues and division, just like the absence of light is darkness and loneliness.  Conditional love (masked emotional confusions and uncertainty ), the love that is so commonly mistaken for unconditional love (genuine love) is what we don’t know how to feel or what to do when we feel it (unless its from a parent or guardian to a child which can still have complication).  How crazy it sounds that this can be felt by us, by people, especially people who are different, is what we need (and what is taught in every central religion essentially) that people don’t understand and cant contemplate. We need this love toward each other, everyone, not just people who are like us or share similar ideological, political, or religious views.  We need love despite what separates us and what makes us distant from one another. We need love.  Unconditional love.

 

Postage from my Memory

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Pain

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It’s persistent, consistent, and loyal, it comes to you when you least expect it, it comes to you in the middle of the night and stays to keep you company. It holds you while you cry and lingers around until you try to feel better. You argue with it, you convince yourself it’s not real, you push it away. It comes back when you thought it finally left. You miss it when you see that’s it’s gone because it was the only persistent feeling you’ve ever had. Can you be patient with it and not want it to come back? How can you get so used to how it feels that you can identify it so clearly? Its presence allows you to know you are still alive and you still can feel. Is it scary that if it goes away it could mean you healed or fell numb to its presence enough to internalize it? Do you accept it, push it away, hide it, or try to rid of it? Pain. Is the presence of pain good so you have patience with it or should you try to take it away? Does it go away by itself or do you do something about it?

WarZone Quote: Remove Toxicity from your Interactions

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Sometimes you can see someone’s intentions or motives from one conversation.  The way they talk to you, the way they phrase their sentences and how much effort they put in having the conversation.  The way they look at you and how much of themselves they choose to put into their comments, criticisms, and advice.  What’s scary…read more

There is no such thing as Being Somewhere More than Where you are…

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“They are nowhere where they need to be”

I often hear this phrase spoken about people’s circumstances and situation and it bothers me.  It bothers me that people put time limits on where someone should be.  Assuming they should be somewhere farther or ahead, as if they are moving slow in…read more on My Trending Stories

I See You

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I see you

When you cry yourself to sleep because you don’t feel you’re good enough

When you see those around you getting rewarded, but you aren’t

When you’re up all night working, but no one notices

When you do something great, but no one sees…read more

It Runs Deep

You know why its been hard to sleep at night while sleeping all day these past couple days, these past couple months?  I’ve realized myself in depths too deep to describe to people.  I’ve itched to tell someone that my issues run deeper than repression and unconscious feelings.  That I’m trying to balance my empathy with my confusion and self-protection.  That I’m an ultra introvert and feel everything around me.  That I love even when that person doesn’t love me to.  That I care because I understand even when I haven’t gone through it myself.  Situations are different but feelings, feelings come universal.  I know what depression feels like, and anxiety.  I know how betrayal feels and disappointment.  I know too well self-hate and being ashamed.  It wasn’t till Thursday that I realized that I know when someone is lying to me and when someone is being real and authentic.  When things I’ve been trying to hide have been written on my forehead all along.  I realized that I just want to know how it feels for someone to fall in love with me because then I can prove myself wrong, that it is possible.  That I can do what I want without regulation because of shame.  Shame that I haven’t noticed guide how I see my body.  I’ve been ashamed for a long time.

I couldn’t write.  I couldn’t write something, anything in the past couple days, an encouragement, a phrase like I usually do because even in the mist of a good moment I drive myself crazy with thoughts and confusions instead of just letting go.  I wanted to stop writing because no one reads. I’m better off just driving myself insane because no one cares about me or what I have to say anyway. Whats funny is I only known a person a couple of days and I just want to say everything to them. That I want to write again because I got my excitement back just over one conversation.  But the fear came back. I should keep to myself but they made me tell them things I never tell anyone and now I’m so self-aware.  I trace my thoughts back to why I hide in my room and lock the door behind me.  Why I cover my face in shame instead of embracing my flaws and things that make me unique.  Why I convinced myself that I’d never fit in in this world so I hide in the shadows. Why I convinced myself a long time ago that I’m meant to be alone and by myself all the time.  And this person said two words:

It’s okay.

Suddenly these words didn’t have the same weight like when I say it to myself.  It had denser weight and made me believe it in a split second.

Not sure if any of this made sense, but it’s way harder knowing the reasons for the scars that run deep then being oblivious to the pain and feelings you have all the time.  Just to remember the times when you felt useless, or hopeless, or lonely, or ugly brings back the foundations of why you hide things deep in the first place, but its better to know so you can work with yourself.

Its okay to let your scars show sometimes, maybe the person your showing them to will help you deal with them.  Don’t repress those feelings anymore. Work with yourself. One push. One phrase from the right person or even yourself can help the process of healing.  Things may not seem important but they are, you are important and so are you moving on.  Don’t trap yourself.  Don’t drive yourself crazy.  Let something change.  Let someone, something, a moment, a thought, a feeling change how you perceive who you are. Realize yourself.  Be happy.  You deserve to be happy.

You deserve a break from the deep. Things, better things, better moments, better thoughts, better people are waiting for you at the surface.  Let yourself loose.  Let yourself free.

Our Collective Identity is being Attacked: We have a Right to be Outraged  

Took a while, hours, a day or so, to find my voice and words for the reality of whats happening to our collective unconscious.  Being an American now and one that is a part of one of several underprivileged groups, is troublesome and uncomfortable.  I’m in a state of denial and confusion.  To see the state and tone of grief our country is going through, the plaguing aura running through the streets making waking up in the morning feel like a state of emergency, weighs heavy on me.  To see so many people I know, don’t know, and feel for walk the streets of these states in anger, fear, and anxiety makes it all the more important to support and stand up for one another.  This election isn’t all about a presidency, it’s not all about politics, it’s not all about government or possible policies.  This election is about an attack on a collective identity, it’s about oppression, it’s about hindering ones freedom to be without prejudice or racism, sexism, homophobia, and islamaphobia.  This election makes people afraid, angry, and disappointed about their citizenship and because people actually feel like this is what makes this election all the more important.  

Viweing, analyzing, and reading over, seeing all of so many peoples opinions has shown me that despite peoples plea to be calm, that it’s going to okay, doesn’t seem to grasp or fathom the extent to where someone feels threatened because of their identity.  They have a right to feel and to be angered and dissapointed. Being a woman, a latina, makes me unwelcomed, it makes me someone who is in a targeted group whether I like it or not. I don’t have control over the reality of that oppression (this is not new), but for someone to be a threat to my freedom of identity is the problem. 

I matter.  Everyone of us matter. The ones who are targeted, the ones who are seen as unwelcomed, the ones who are marginalized and oppressed every day.  We matter.  And because we have to prove that we matter makes America dangerous. Because we have to say black lives matter, and women lives matter, and muslim lives matter as phrases of their own proves the urgency that who we are as a collective is not being seen as important or valued.

We have to help each other feel safe and supported.  What is happening is not being overexagerated, its a response to a threat to our emotional, physical, and mental well being.  We are responding to what has been said to us by power and privilege.  We are defending our right to ourselves. Be outraged. We matter. I matter. Our lives matter. 

Enough

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Enough.

One word that has the power to halt the existence of things that don’t need to exist.  Things that hurt, things that bother, things that harm, and things that blind.  Things that need to be extinct. Extinct in the ways that make you hate.

Enough of the drowning, and enough of the hopelessness.  Enough of the self-harm and the self-hate.  Enough of the vices, and the things that you surround yourself with that aren’t helping.  Enough of the pain.  The pain that is so comfortable, making itself at home.  Ingrained in the way you think and interact. Enough.  Enough of the toxicity in your life.  The people.  The places.  The ideas.  Let go of those things that are killing you from the inside.

You don’t need a new year to start or an occasion to do something different.  You don’t need someone to tell you to stop.

Enough.

Enough of postponing yourself for the betterment and comfort of someone else.

Today, right now.  Make something change.  The way you see yourself, the way you handle situations that are not productive.

In one moment you can say enough and in that moment you’ve set yourself loose.  You’re starting again from the point where pain started taking over.

Enough.

You did it.

 

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