My senior year has been very rough this past couple of months. I slept the whole night half the week, the other half I stood up doing work and took short naps throughout the night. I never ate breakfast because class was more important. I never had time to start assignments early because I always had assignments due that day. In one week in September I had a panic attack every day of the week. I didn’t sleep well, I barely ate and if I did I ate one meal. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I panicked because I was stressed. I was anxious. I was scared. Each panic was due to a stressor that was out of my control or in my control that I lacked motivation to do. Things from home, assignments, tests, talking to other people, feeling weak, hopeless, and worthless were all the things I thought about and caused anxiety in me.
Why am I here?…What is my purpose?….What am I going to do after college?…Can I even get into grad school?
I was trapped in my own insecurities. Trapped in my own self-pity. Trapped in self-doubt. Trapped in fear. Trapped.
Why was I anxious?
I was anxious because I wasn’t taking care of myself and I lacked energy, I lacked energy because I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t sleeping sufficiently. I lacked motivation because I felt like I couldn’t do it. I was just tired. I didn’t want to continue.
But here is how I improved!
I can do it. I got this far to finish. I am worth it.
It wasn’t easy for me to realize I wasn’t a superhero, but I ultimately went for help. I went to talk to someone. I sat in the small room. I blurted out why to a stranger sitting in front of me because it was their job. It helped. I was able to talk about why. Why all of a sudden I couldn’t anymore.
Things are not fixed or perfect now, but I can say that I appreciate that I can identify what I need help in. I can’t achieve my goals in one night. Time is a thing. I have to be patient and I have to take care of myself in the mean time. If I don’t take care of myself I can’t achieve my goals to begin with.
I still barely sleep and I eat for the most part, but I changed how I thought about my circumstance.
I am good enough to do what I put my mind to.
Note: Make sure to take care of yourself because you are important, and you are worth it, and you can do it. Anything you put your mind to is yours already. Take time into consideration. Its okay to take breaks if you have to just get back and keep going.
I was tired, I wasn’t taking care of myself, I amplified my anxiety but now I know that I’m important too. My goals need me in the equation.